The Ancient Romans understood the concept of personal responsibility. During constructions of major projects, such as Aqueducts, the engineer who built an arch had to stand under it when the scaffolding was removed. This no doubt incentivised him to do the right thing by making sure the arch was properly constructed without defects or shortcuts.

Don’t we wish people around us today where more responsible? You know, responsible kids, spouses, employees, workmates; responsible government, responsible drivers, responsible neighbours?

What does responsible really mean though?

Responsible comes from a Latin root word “respons” meaning “accountable for one’s actions”. Amongst other definitions, the dictionary defines responsibility as:

having a capacity for moral decisions and therefore accountable; capable of rational thought or action

Perhaps a better way of looking at the word would be “response-able”. That is you have the power to choose how you respond to things that happen to you.

The problem with human nature is to avoid our own responsibility by blaming our responses on the actions of others. We see it often in government where after winning an election the new party rapidly dumps their promises because they “discovered” that the outgoing government left them in financial mess. In business companies blame their results not on poor management or leadership but “because the market deteriorated” or other such excuses. In personal lives people absolve themselves of responsibility of their actions because of what other people have done to them. Children do it all the time: “Look what you made me do” is a popular catch-cry.

This avoidance goes back a long way. God put Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and told them not to touch the Apple. Of course after they did, and God confronted Adam he shifted the blame to Eve: “Look at that woman you gave me”. Eve in turn blamed it on that snake had deceived her. And of course the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on. 🙂

It seems then that we have become conditioned to abdicate our responsibility.

In the early 1900’s the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov discovered the concept now known as Classical Conditioning. Pavlov was looking at the salivation in dogs in the response to being fed when he noticed that they would drool when his lab assistant (who usually fed the dogs) entered the room. Pavlov conducted experiments where when the dogs were fed a bell was also rung. After a number of repeats, Pavlov then just rang the bell by itself which still caused the dogs to salivate. The dogs had learned an association between the bell and the salivating (i.e. Stimulus -> Response). The dogs acted involuntarily as they had formed a new direct association in their minds.

Is our behaviour just like Pavlov’s dogs? Are we so conditioned that when an external stimuli is applied to us we automatically react? Looking at a lot of people it seems so.

During World War 2 the Austrian Psychologist Victor Frankl was imprisoned in Nazi Concentration Camps. Frankl witnessed extreme brutalities, not only committed by his Nazi captors but also other inmates. However he also witnessed extreme kindness shown by others. During his incarceration Frankl developed his theory of Logo therapy. In it he implies that people often react without thinking. People don’t seems to choose their behaviour but just act out old scripts like a reflex. Crucially though he suggest that we can grow and change if we become aware that between stimulus and response there is a space; a space where we can make a conscious choice how we want to behave.

The issue with being confronted with a situation that irritates us or make us feel uncomfortable, and acting out of the emotions we currently feel, is that the choices we make are unlikely to reflect our highest, deepest values. When our kids do something that “makes us” scream at them this is not likely what or how we really want to communicate.

Perhaps it would be useful if we could create a “Pause” button for our interactions so we can think can create the space Frankl talked about. How can we do this? When faced with a situation realise that you don’t need to respond immediately there and then. Realise that you don’t need to follow a prewritten script from your experience. Try breathing, excuse yourself, take a quick break. See if you can mentally step outside of your body and observe yourself; objectively.

Longer term you can increase that space by activities such as keeping a journal, and watching your language for waffle or other communications which relieve you of responsibility. Make commitments sparingly and ensure that you follow through on them. Analyse yourself and notice what sort of situations bring out your triggers, and what sort of preprogramed scripts you are running on autopilot (and reflect if they are the ones you want to be running?). Imagine better responses. Become more mindful and self-aware. Consider what sort of person you would like to be especially in areas which you might struggle. If you’re making progress towards a more mindful you don’t be overly critical of yourself if progress is slow. Real change takes time. Learn practical skills such as anger management, assertiveness, and also dealing with issues such as anxiety and depression.

How do you know if you’re acting responsible? When you are response-able you are able to choose your response. You don’t argue for your weaknesses or complain that life wasn’t fair. You accept full responsibility for your behaviour and its’ outcomes. You work on getting control over the gap between stimulus and response. No “But I had no other choice.” No whining or moaning about how it wasn’t your fault or you couldn’t help it or you had a flat tyre or the dog ate your homework.

Think about it another way. In computer terminology the concept of responsibility means that you are the programmer of your own life. You don’t have to run other people’s programs in your life; you have the ability to choose your own. Irrespective of how things are “out there”, irrespective if people are nice or mean to you, YOU have the power to choose how you want to respond. Therein lies your freedom.

Author: Jürgen Steinert